Oh, One Ring, You're So Fine
by MarieMaia
Summary: HP & LotR crossover. Harry finds himself in Middle Earth after a blind date gone bad, and ends up being part of a crazy Quest. Featured word: crazy.
1. Wherein There's A Blind Date

"So..." Frodo said uncertainly, breaking the silence.  
  
"Yeah..." Harry replied, playing with the salt shaker. They were both sitting across from each other at a table in a random Muggle restaurant, nothing too fancy.  
  
"Have any hobbies?" Frodo asked awkwardly, trying to make conversation.  
  
"I like to play Quidditch a lot," Harry said after a moment.  
  
"What's Quidditch?"  
  
"It's, er... a sport. For wizards."  
  
"Ah." Frodo quickly shook away all the strange mental images he was getting of Gandalf and Saruman.  
  
"Do you have any hobbies?" Harry asked Frodo in turn.  
  
"Well, I like to eat, drink, and smoke a lot."  
  
Harry looked at Frodo rather oddly before speaking again.  
  
"Er, you said you had a friend that was a wizard...?"  
  
"Oh, yes. His name--well, one of them, anyway--is Gandalf. He's helping me out with the whole Quest to destroy the One Ring."  
  
"One Ring?"  
  
"It's the powerful ring that used to belong to the Dark Lord Sauron," Frodo explained. "Everything thinks it's Evil, but I think it's just misunderstood."  
  
"Really? I have to deal with a Dark Lord too. His name's Voldemort."  
  
"That's... neat."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
--later at Frodo's--  
  
"Listen here, Ring! No more setting me up on blind dates. I mean it!"  
  
Ring: "..."  
  
"I know you like that Harry Potter bloke, but... Honestly. And why have you only been setting me up with guys? You do know I'm straight, right?"  
  
Ring: "..."  
  
"Ring?"  
  
". . ." 


	2. Wherein Hermione Is Sympathetic

"How did it go?" Hermione asked Harry softly as he walked into the Common Room and collapsed on the couch next to her. Harry sighed.  
  
"Well... it went." Hermione raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh, Harry, was it another inanimate object?"  
  
Harry paused and considered this, then replied, "Actually, no. I guess I should be thankful. In fact, he was pretty human... I think."  
  
Hermione set her homework aside, interested. "He?"  
  
Harry shrugged.  
  
"Harry, I know you're afraid of being... lonely, but I really don't think it's..." Hemione was choosing her words carefully, "... healthy for you to let Dobby keep setting you up on dates." Harry stood up, glaring at her.  
  
"Hey! I'll have you know that that Ring was very interested in me! We were just... going too fast."  
  
"Harry," Hermione said gently, "you put it on and ran around cackling like an invisible madman, and when we found you a week later you were sitting in a corner petting it and talking in third person. I think it was evil."  
  
"The third person?"  
  
"The Ring."  
  
Harry started to walk up the stairs. "Oh yeah? Well-well you're just jealous! So what if the Ring is a little different? That doesn't change the way I feel!!" Harry, now at the top of the steps, threw open the door next to him and stormed inside. There were several female screams and Harry quickly ran down the staircase, across the room, and up the staircase that actually led to the boys' dorms.  
  
Hermione sighed, shaking her head. "Must be that time of the month. Poor thing." 


	3. Wherein The One Ring Is Way Popular

--later, at Frodo's--  
  
(KNOCK, KNOCK)  
  
Frodo walked over to the door and opened it, revealing--  
  
"Harry? What are you doing here? Frodo stepped aside and let Harry in, who was very thankful for his height--or lack thereof--for once.  
  
"I was hoping to have a word with the Ring," Harry said rather desperately, although trying to hide his desperation.  
  
Frodo's hand unconsciously flew to his neck, and he looked just a little twitchy. "What business do you have with my Ring?" he asked.  
  
Harry quickly though of a believable excuse. "Well, you see, the Ring called me earlier--on the phone--and asked me to come by and see it."  
  
Frodo crossed his arms over his chest and glared. "Do you really expect me to believe that? You should know as well as I that there aren't any phones here... Not that I know what a phone even is."  
  
'Ah, well,' Harry thought, 'It was worth a shot.'  
  
"Listen," Harry said calmly, "I know the Ring is here, so may I please just talk to it? I'll-I'll give it right back, really, I will."  
  
Frodo stared at Harry suspiciously, then said, "Well, Mr. Potter, I'm afraid you wouldn't be able to see the Ring anyway. It's... asleep."  
  
Harry stared back and became suspicious himself. "You're hiding it from me, aren't you? You just want it for yourself."  
  
"I-I've no idea what you're talking about," Frodo said nervously, backing up with his hand still clenching the Ring through the fabric of his shirt.  
  
Harry's eyes narrowed. "It's around your neck, isn't it."  
  
Frodo's eyes widened and he panicked.  
  
"AAAHHH!!!" Frodo screamed, running through Bag End in an attempt to escape Harry. Harry pursued the hobbit, knowing it would only be a matter of second before--  
  
(THUNK)  
  
Harry, who had just turned a corner, ran into a suspiciously low door frame and fell to the ground, unconscious.  
  
Frodo, oblivious, continued to run around his house, screaming. 


	4. Wherein Harry Meets Legolas

(tap...tap..tap, tap, TAP, TAP, TAP!!)  
  
"Alright, alright! I'm awake!" Harry groaned, sitting up slowly. "Who are you?" he added upon seeing the--man? he looked manly enough--man who had been tapping him.  
  
"I could ask you the same question," the Tapper responded, although not unkindly. He helped Harry stand up.  
  
"I'm Harry Potter, a, er, friend of Frodo's," Harry said, leaning against a wall for support. The Tapper nodded.  
  
"Then you have my respect, Harry Potter. I am Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood. I came here looking for Frodo, who is also a friend of mine. Do you know where he is? Was he attacked like you were?"  
  
"I wasn't attacked," Harry said, blushing a little. "I just... fell. And no, I've no idea where Frodo is."  
  
Legolas sighed. "I just knew Frodo would do something like this. Now Aragorn is going to kick my--"  
  
"Who's Aragorn?" Harry interrupted.  
  
"He is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne of Gondor. You owe him your allegiance."  
  
Harry blinked. "I do?"  
  
"What? Oh! Um, that was just... Let's go find the hobbit." 


	5. Frodo: An Interlude

Frodo sat in the darkness, curled up into a ball, stroking the Ring.   
  
He was cold and alone, but that didn't matter. All that mattered now was his preciousss. The preciousss would keep him safe, because it was great, far greater than anything else, and it was so beautiful, and really quite shiny, and--  
  
"Is that you, Mr. Frodo? You shouldn't be out in the garden so late, what with you not even wearing your cloak or nothing. What are you doing out here, anyway?"  
  
A light fell upon Frodo and he squinted up at Sam, annoyed. Standing up from the row of carrots he was sitting on, Frodo stormed from the garden, leaving poor, confused Sam with his squashed carrot plants. 


	6. Wherein There Are Crazy Short People

Harry and Legolas rode on a large white horse to their destination, a small tavern just outside of the Shire.  
  
When they arrived there Legolas quickly and gracefully slid off of the horse and went to greet a man in the shadows.  
  
Harry attempted to get off the horse as well, but he only managed to lose his balance and fall to the ground with a (THUMP) for the second time that day.  
  
While trying to remain conscious, Harry saw the man Legolas talking to, who was upside down. Harry tilted his head.  
  
Ah, much better.  
  
The man was tall and had rough features. Despite his scruffy look, though, Harry still had the urge to bow down to him.  
  
Must've been the fall.  
  
Harry got up and wobbled over to Legolas and his companion.  
  
"Hey, Legolas, is this the guy that was going to kick your--"  
  
"Aragorn, meet Harry Potter," Legolas said briskly. Aragorn nodded at Harry and Harry awkwardly did the same back.  
  
While Aragorn and Legolas further discussed Operation: Find Frodo, Harry stared, mesmerized at the elf's hair. It was a solid white-blond color that shimmered when the street lamp hit it a certain way. It was long and silky, cascading over Legolas's shoulders like a wave of--  
  
"What?" Harry asked, noticing that Aragorn had said something to him.  
  
"I said, how old are you where you come from?"  
  
"Sixteen," Harry said dismissively. Aragorn nodded.  
  
"That'll do. If anyone asks, you are a hobbit. Feel free to go by a name different than the one you carry now."  
  
Harry tried to think of a good name for himself while the three walked into the tavern.  
  
There was a fair amount of... people in the room, most of them drinking, smoking, and conversing with each other in slightly unfamiliar languages and accents. Harry followed Aragorn and Legolas over to a table where two men Frodo's size sat in chairs too large for them at a table too large for them drinking out of mugs far too large for them.  
  
"This is Merry, and this is Pippin," Aragorn said, gesturing to the hobbits in turn and sitting down with them. Legolas follow suit, and Harry, sitting down himself, said, "Hi! I'm Draco Malfoy."  
  
The hobbits stared back at Harry and Aragorn softly said, "Harry, you can trust these two. They are good friends of Frodo's and know of his Quest."  
  
"In that case," Harry said, "my real name is Harry Potter. Draco Malfoy... doesn't matter."  
  
They were slightly confused, but Merry and Pippin smiled back anyway.  
  
Aragorn got up for a moment and came back with three mugs of beer, setting one in front of Harry.  
  
Big mistake.  
  
"Have you seen Frodo anywhere?" Legolas asked Merry and Pippin, setting his own mug aside. While the hobbits conversed with each other to come up with a valid answer, Aragorn raised a questioning eyebrow at Legolas.  
  
"You're not going to drink anything?" he asked. Legolas shook his head.  
  
"Not since that time in Lothlorien with Haldir." Legolas shivered at the memory.  
  
Harry, on the other hand, was quite enjoying his ale. In fact, it was gone in a matter of minutes, and then he started to enjoy Legolas's, too.  
  
"I'm afraid we haven't seen Frodo," Merry said. "Why are you looking for him, anyway? Is he in trouble?"  
  
"No, no, nothing like that," Aragorn answered. "We just seem to have... misplaced him." Harry giggled loudly at that, earning stares from the others at the table.  
  
"Are you... alright?" Legolas asked. Harry hiccupped and smiled goofily back at him.  
  
"Has anyone ever told you that your hair is really, -really- pretty? Kind of like Fleeeuurrr's..." Harry spent the next minute entertaining himself by saying the Veela's name, dragging it out.  
  
"Harry," Aragorn said slowly, "how much have you had to drink?"  
  
Harry responded by letting his head hit the table, drifting into unconsciousness.  
  
"I like him!" Pippin declared loudly. 


End file.
